Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters | Movie review

Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunter 2013 3d film movie poster large
Classification: 18
Genre: Action, adventure, horror
Running Time: 92 minutes
Director: Tommy Wirkola
Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare

Synopsis: "After getting a taste for blood as children, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) have become the ultimate vigilantes, hell bent on retribution. Now, unbeknownst to them, Hansel and Gretel have become the hunted, and must face an evil far greater than witches...their past" (UIP).


Verdict: This film serves as a reminder to us - we're already in the post-nomination period of the Oscars when garbage movies release. Besides the title, character names and the candy house, nothing else about the movie is relevant to the fairy tale. Not sure if this Van Helsing wannabe film is deliberately nonsensical but even if it is, it's still no where as humourous as Army of Darkness (1992). In short, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is just one of the many similar mid-range budget crap that'll hit the cinemas in the coming post-Oscar months. Just like this movie, they may all have typical no-brainer plots with loads of flaws, highly predictable dialogues, cheap humour, poorly written characters, extremely hot lead actress with distracting nice cleavage, popular actors to easily attract girls to watch and very cliched endings that would keep common viewers happy.

Second opinion: "It's okay at the beginning but it gradually becomes... WTF" (Iris Loong).

To watch in 3D? I didn't watch it in 3D but you'd probably get the effects mostly on the splashing blood, flesh and bullets... which is okay, I guess.

Malaysian censorship: Only scenes with nudity and sex are cut (ah, damnit).

Rating: 1 / 5

[SPOILER SECTION BEGINS HERE]

Most hilarious scene: After Hansel's (Jeremy Renner) little female Gandalf girlfriend dies (attacked by the witch), the camera angle closes up to his face as he turns to look at the candy house in anger. Like a hero, he rolls into the house through the door with his big gun but gets hit in the head immediately by the witch with a spade. It's so stupid that I've no doubt that it's deliberately humourous.

Brilliant Twilight spoof: Trolls, in original folklore, turns into stone upon contact with sunlight, which is why they only come out of their hidings at night to hunt. Vampires, on the other hand, burn upon contact with sunlight and naturally like to sleep in coffins because they're technically dead. The character, Edward Cullen, from the Twilight series is a strong, day-walking, unauthentic vampire who looks emo all the time and falls for the first "unconventional" female of a "different species" that he sees. The troll in this movie has similar characteristics and guess what his name is. Edward! Coincidence? I don't think so. It could be a joke by Will Ferrell, who served as one of the producers for the film.

[SPOILER SECTION ENDS HERE]

Hansel & Gretel, Van Helsing, Army of Darkness meme

Thanks to Nuffnang for the invites to the premiere.
11 comments:
  1. probably i need to watch the person who slay the army of darkness lol XD

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  2. it also feels like Jackass.

    Most of the time they engage the witches den kena wack badly before winning.

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  3. oooo 1/5? Reckon I can skip this movie then. The trailer looked dan good though!

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  4. Wipes Gemma Arterton when she's sleeping. #creep

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  5. I wanted to watch this as I thought how bad can Hansel and Gretel be? These days titles are soooo misleading! I wanted to go for Mama too! Thank goodness I did not go for both >_<

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  6. The storyline wasn't very good but I quite like the fast paced action.

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  7. "extremely hot lead actress with distracting nice cleavage" niiiiccceeee... hahah

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  8. The movie is only about gore and Gemma's cleavage. That's it. The so called "famous witch hunters" are so inconsistent with their actions and they made the most amateurish blunders that made me question do they really have any darn experience in hunting witches. In the movie, the witches are faster and stronger than them but when they caught one, they did not have the idea to actually restrict their movements but just hold them at gun point where the witches easily get away from. It was really messy and rushed. But Gemma's cleavage made it all ok for me in the end.

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  9. Oh yeah and kicking the door and rolling in. Dumbest move of all. He deserved the hit as soon as he does that. Call it luck that he didn't die that time. LOL

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  10. I went in with my expectations so low and with a need for a good laugh that I actually enjoyed the movie. The twilight spoof WAS brillant!And the fact that the siblings are protected by their mother's magic reminds me too much of Harry Potter.

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  11. A sleepy blood fest, worse than The Expendables 2.

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